Saturday, October 20, 2012

write me

i will be off-blog

for a while
for a long while maybe

i will add publication credits

if there is one
or it may stay as it is

write me
i will write YOU back

Sunday, October 7, 2012

forget LA forget Devotchka

you did see not devotchka in LA and you thought you missed something good

you still think you can reinvent yourself by living in CA, well i have news for you, you will be lost before you find yourself

you are best where you are, you don't have to try so hard, you will sink or float and no one will notice

you will be an accidental tourist, don't you feel that way wherever you go? - but you know that already, right?

you will have a new name, perhaps ocotillo, a hardy creature, you can live w/o water, you can live in salt beds, you can live w/o seeing the ocean in a thousand years...

you will see devotchka in Tempe and you will see roots at your feet

Saturday, September 29, 2012

answers, f@6k!3g answers

you're 37?
yeah, i hope i didn't disappoint you.

you're not married?
sometimes life take you on a path that you do not understand. you just have to make the best of it.

are you happy?
#1 if i say yes, you probably won't believe me.
#2 if i say no, are you going to do something about it?

Sunday, September 16, 2012

History of Falls

A nine to five blue collar worker should make a consious effort to oversleep on Sunday.

To those who sit at the dental chair while waiting for the anesthesia to numb your gums, it's ok to swallow your saliva.

If you think your hairdresser does not deserve a tip, think again, or better not think it over, because your hair will grow back.

Yes, you know that a stressful situation with your landlord can cause an acid reflux in your stomach. This is a learning experience. You have to play it cool next time.

Money that you know where they're going. $$$ well spent to unload the necessity of materiality in this world, is not yours on the first place. You owe this peace to your soul.

Saturday, August 25, 2012

laundry list - check that

intro boring...

just finished reading Joy William's The Quick and the Dead at the laundrymat, very rich, offbeat, funny-weird, it's just like being in the whirlpool of steam inside the dryer, the gist is in the middle of all the swirling clothes...

currently reading The History of Love (2005 Nicole Krauss), i like it for its lightness, and it is appetizing as a recipe for a Peach Shortcake, try it, maybe you will find love, if you feel it, share it...

recently saw 50/50 (2011 Jonathan Levine film) on dvd, reminded me it's ok to moon over romanticism, so, so, and now what...

earlier googled-image Marisha Pessi, author of Special Topics on Calamity Physics (Penguin 2007), sophisticated beauty, just as i imagined her to be, she has been accompanying me for two weeks during my 30 minutes morning and afternoon drives to and fro work, thank you Blue...

an auditory advisory, if you leave the classical music radio station on during your sleep, think again, i once woke up to a Stravinsky phantasmagoric tune and it was not relaxing at all...

did i tell you how beautiful the night is on a clear desert sky? look up, throw a blanket and sit, or lie down, you will forget how hot the air is when you see a falling star, i did that...

and now what...

Sunday, July 29, 2012

as if i can unclutter stuffs if i cut my hair

i want to write something here before July ends

i want to tell you about the sand storm, the calm heat before the strong wind, the lightning show, the monsoon rains that beat the roof of my apartment and force a leak on my drywall ceiling, i have a rain bucket and it works, we have more of this coming

not sure if the management did something about my complaint but everything is dry now

the desert is clayish with smile, it is not porous but it is a celebration for puddles

i have this for you to read if you are ever tired reading me like this, it is my summer gift

i had my haircut the other day, but not before i had a flat tire on a 100 degree afternoon on the middle of the fucking desert, but not before my phone kept breaking up and i waited for an hour for the AAA roadside assistance guy

it's not too bad as i described, five good samaritans pulled -over and asked me if i needed some help during that span, i kind-a felt guilty not obliging their helping hand but thank you nameless folks, it sure was reassuring and i feel good inside

don't ask me about my hair though

Sunday, July 15, 2012

i was twice lucky to be outside during the rain

i am not in-communicado. i am breathing, living, i told you that, in the desert. i am doing my best not to melt and not get dehydrated. you can breath, i'm ok, for now.

i don't have internet. i don't have npr. it's cheesy but i'm learning to commune with myself. the desert is the perfect place.

i get my wordly news at the library. i am open to channels of communication usually once a week. you can still write me and you can be sure i will read wat you have to say with anticipation. i will try to reply back.

how's your summer. i have my summer of love at ken*again. read it. i hope you like it. i promise to write again. soon.

write me - please.

Saturday, June 23, 2012

heavenly days

i miss you too, write me a love letter, i am in the desert

i've been reading this book, i can't seem to finish it, i think i am falling in love

i have a big room, i walk around it, it is 418 sq foot of carpet, vinyl and sand

i have two rejections, the big saguaro cactus knows about it, i will plant my roots here.

in the meantime


Tuesday, May 29, 2012

my uninteresting life is full of suspense

I have all sort of misappropriated thoughts and feelings as i wait to be cleared on my new job. There are rabbits and doves that appear and disappear in the magician's hat. I wonder if i may be able to taste the green and blue breeze of the ocean and I wonder if i may be able to read in the porch swing under the OC sun again. 

In my apprehension, i nail my butt in the library filling my brain till i reach the height of expectation.  I wanted to be bright for their gleaming eyes. It does not satiate a bit.

The bunny rabbit is a powerful archetype, but everytime i picture him with an energizer drum, an inverse switch happens. Coming out of the curtain is a monkey on red military suit clapping an annoying cymbals.

History is not on my side when i build up this dam of suspense. Agonized negativity overflows from my arteries. It usually ends with a bloated body on the curb.

Monday, May 21, 2012

Sloth is a) deadly sin or b) lazy mammal

1. My least favorite animal right now is the sloth.

2. I saw one for the first time at the Santa Ana Zoo.

3. It was sleeping but even though the eyes are closed i can tell it has very sad eyes.

4. Before my visit, I saw and examined their eyes from a picture book on South American mammals.

5. Their eyes don't talk and it makes you feel sorry for them.

6. I dislike its habit too because it sleeps through life and i see myself with the same behaviour.

7. I want to have closures and i want to branch out but i am too lazy to leave my arboreal fantasy.

8. I feel like i am not doing enough to climb down and gather the nuts on the forest floor.

9. I am very jittery lately and i am being very impatient for things to turn around.

10. The only difference between me and the sloth is i have self-pity.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

i want to tell you (maybe)

that i've been hurt by my job termination, truth be told i hated that job but i didn't like the ungrateful exit even more, i worked for $$$ and that was all my worth, i worked to stay alive, i worked to not get buried by thoughts of not being alive

that i have an uneasy feeling about my current job application even though i have signed an acceptance letter, i am afraid i have secrets that i wanted them to find out, i have secrets, i have consciously volunteered  secrets

that i have talked to some people and i listened to their problems and i have something to say to their problems which makes them feel good for a while (i think) BUT i cannot say it is complimentary otherwise

that being unemployed is different from having a vacation, that i  am still reeling with a very enclosed almost communistic perspective of work order and that i can only truly say i am on vacation when a job is waiting for me

that i should loosen up and just enjoy my time away from whatever i am bitching about.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

I am a Winner

My 140th post. I posted pictures, poems and confessionals, some serious and some not-so-serious.

I edited them, despite the fact.

I learned that there are subtle ways to hide the truths and to speak lightly about implications.Writing is moderating the clown, the drunk, the street preacher... etc,to say what you often want to say after meditating on a hot shower.

And for the 140th time, i am self-healing myself into blogging.

I got fired but i don't want to talk about it. I want to talk about it but i am avoiding it like a smoky vietnamese bar.

Instead, i want to blog about my trip to the zoo, my Balboa Island excursion, my upcoming Seattle getaway.... i want to get away!!!

I've been ok, i think. I read three books already. I've been eating and sleeping like i am preparing for a physiological stress test. I kind-a welcome also the transference of pain from my ongoing root canal procedure.

This is my everything-looks-ok-face. I tell people i have prospects, that things are in the works.

I am staying positive. Hahahahahahaha...

Sunday, April 15, 2012

i get points for being a martyr

because of a recent dental appointment, i am at an 8 pain scale right now. i probably would have passed out on the dental chair if i don't have a 9 tolerance level on root canal. i am bloody relieved and pissed at the same time but what can i do. i am drugged by pain relievers and antibiotics but i am happy that i still have a 2 of my wits to blog.
here is something i wrote a while back and was recently published. pain in writing is a different kind of weightbearing. it is mental and exhaustive and involves a tremendous amount of patience. i am probably chemically imbalanced too at the time of writing because the neurons and senses are in a jazzy-kind-of-mix-up.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

i typed this post using my right and left index fingers only

bjorn borg is swede. goran ivanisevic is yugoslav. i am 67% sure that bjorn had read, heard or saw The Millenium series by stieg larsson at one time or another. goran on the other hand has 11% probability he has touched a crime fiction in his life (this is an assumption). i am 50.3% betting though that he has heard about james bond. if my guesses are correct, i probably have 0.38% chance of meeting bjorn because we both adore lisbeth fucking salander.

Friday, March 30, 2012

i should be in copenhagen but i'm not

Reggae is the song of Spring even though mornings are dappled gray. It is the sunny streak that hotwires my brain from obsolescence. Ginger lemon tea is the drink of fountainyouth. It has magical herbs that works like a potion to ground my flighty fancies. I have flashbacks of flighty fancies lately. I taste colors and smell eagerness; i close my eyes and my heart beats adjulations. I am a bulb that dreams under the dirt.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

this rusty life


my eyes are getting bad and there's a burning coal in my optic nerve. It radiates in my central chest. Both as a lump and a hole. I see things in opportunities. Both as an advantage and a disadvantage. I breathe like i'm gasping. Each as a wasting and a revival of life. I need to correct this. There is no transposition and grammatical error between lying and living. I need to correct this.

Friday, March 9, 2012

another year in the books

i attended a vespers on the weekend of my birthday, monks were chanting and i was praying along, the chapel faced the west and the sunset was streaming through the stained glass window, the backseat was the most solemn place i've ever been, if i stare straight to the altar, i squinted because of the dazzling lights, i had to take cover from the hooded backs of the monks so i could open my eyes to my sins, to my indifference, to my to my to my....

the monastery was in San Diego, if you are in San Diego, don't be a loco and eat a fish taco, i would cry and would die just to have Johnny Mananas fish taco again.

a lot of places to clear my head, at the pier, in the hotel room, on the hill top, wind , space, and sun are the best therapy, i am still alive, so thankful i am still intact.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

this life is uneventful (so far)

A button snaps from my shirt. It falls on the floor and rolls under the bed. I pick it up thinking i will be tie-less today.

During the drive, i am touching my adam's apple because it is there. It is exposed. My collar is spread out. I am cold.

In the news, China's manufacturing is losing. Factories with million workers their hands being useless. Factories like button makers (i made it up) sinking even though it is plastic.

Boring morning. People are sleepdriving to their stations. I can't really think about the big picture. What is.

The button > The possibilities of something BIG happening because i found connection on a loose thread.

What is not. I will work, i will work, and i will worry till i die.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

make me happy on my birthday

Dear anonymous readers of my blog,

In honor of my upcoming birthday, i am pleased to announce that i am now available to receive gifts (money, material or uncategorized).

You do not know me but your generosity will go a long way to the epicurean and spiritual satisfaction of my well being.

As my thank you, i will make sure that i remember you during my walk in the beach, sing your name in the shower, imagine you are reading with me in the library and send positive thoughts wherever you are.

The Birthday Celebrant,

If you can be stupid and shameless for one day, it has to be your birthday. Right? This is mine. Hahahahaha

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

we will all sweeten the night

the name of the cashier at 711 is Chandra, it said so on her name tag, she was talking to a man (i think it is her husband) who was at the other end of the cash register, they were talking about a business venture in the desert, valentine night, something is amiss, they were killing the night by being around people except themselves, i was buying a Dos Equis XX cervesa and there's another guy in the store buying a dozen of roses for his sweetheart, good golly do we know we are going to burn the night till it dies young.

Monday, February 6, 2012

you will not remember this

One small truth about elephants is that they don't jump. I remembered it because i read it and i pictured it and i believed it. Once on a friend's house, i saw a collection of elephant figurines, their noses and tusks all up in the air, a sign of luck my friend regarded. The same friend called this morning and asked: "What about turtles?". I pictured them, their bodies dragging their heavy armours and their slow calculated glides, and i was very curious. After work, i drove straight to my place, fixed dinner and googled turtles jumping. I chuckled. I was satisfied.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

hey look i'm posting my first photoshop

Has anyone read "A Gate at the Stairs" by Lorrie Moore? I'm asking because i don't know anyone who does. I only know one friend who likes LM but i don't think she read it. Or she may have read it but i don't know that because she is gone. I think i am strangely paralyzed by laughter and tears and i am wondering if you feel the same too after reading. Any thought is golden.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

the opposite of karma is the present

i was a headstrong servant in my past life.

i took a quiz on who would i be if i was a Downton Abbey servant and i happened to be Anna Smith. One of my answers was if i was not so busy tending to my household chores, i would be writing romance novels.

tomorrow i will not rehearse what i am going to say, i will not put anything in writing and memorize my line just like those actors from DA speaking grand Victorian language with seductive accents, i like and envy the way they talk, so articulate even in fits of anger that i will be so willing to kiss them in the middle of their outburst because they elucidate their emotions so much, maybe maybe my tongue-tied karma will grow an extra arm...

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

time bomb

are you being hated right now? do you ask yourself why you are being hated? you probably know but cannot fathom why someone hate you so much. you try to be angry with yourself but you cannot because when you are angry you are unreasonable. you piece your past and find out there is a thread in your intent that is growing and growing maliciously. you consciously ignore its warnings because you are being comfortable. you do not persevere and you earn the hatred of someone. and now you know its not him or her, its you. your gallantry is your resolve to reconcile your hatred to people who hurt you. you carry it like that bulemic girl with the dragon tattoo. you try to articulate it like some Edwardian character in Downton Abbey. you see this person who hates you everyday and you see yourself in that reflection.