my uninteresting life is full of suspense

I have all sort of misappropriated thoughts and feelings as i wait to be cleared on my new job. There are rabbits and doves that appear and disappear in the magician's hat. I wonder if i may be able to taste the green and blue breeze of the ocean and I wonder if i may be able to read in the porch swing under the OC sun again. 

In my apprehension, i nail my butt in the library filling my brain till i reach the height of expectation.  I wanted to be bright for their gleaming eyes. It does not satiate a bit.

The bunny rabbit is a powerful archetype, but everytime i picture him with an energizer drum, an inverse switch happens. Coming out of the curtain is a monkey on red military suit clapping an annoying cymbals.

History is not on my side when i build up this dam of suspense. Agonized negativity overflows from my arteries. It usually ends with a bloated body on the curb.

Sloth is a) deadly sin or b) lazy mammal

1. My least favorite animal right now is the sloth.

2. I saw one for the first time at the Santa Ana Zoo.

3. It was sleeping but even though the eyes are closed i can tell it has very sad eyes.

4. Before my visit, I saw and examined their eyes from a picture book on South American mammals.

5. Their eyes don't talk and it makes you feel sorry for them.

6. I dislike its habit too because it sleeps through life and i see myself with the same behaviour.

7. I want to have closures and i want to branch out but i am too lazy to leave my arboreal fantasy.

8. I feel like i am not doing enough to climb down and gather the nuts on the forest floor.

9. I am very jittery lately and i am being very impatient for things to turn around.

10. The only difference between me and the sloth is i have self-pity.

i want to tell you (maybe)

that i've been hurt by my job termination, truth be told i hated that job but i didn't like the ungrateful exit even more, i worked for $$$ and that was all my worth, i worked to stay alive, i worked to not get buried by thoughts of not being alive

that i have an uneasy feeling about my current job application even though i have signed an acceptance letter, i am afraid i have secrets that i wanted them to find out, i have secrets, i have consciously volunteered  secrets

that i have talked to some people and i listened to their problems and i have something to say to their problems which makes them feel good for a while (i think) BUT i cannot say it is complimentary otherwise

that being unemployed is different from having a vacation, that i  am still reeling with a very enclosed almost communistic perspective of work order and that i can only truly say i am on vacation when a job is waiting for me

that i should loosen up and just enjoy my time away from whatever i am bitching about.

I am a Winner

My 140th post. I posted pictures, poems and confessionals, some serious and some not-so-serious.

I edited them, despite the fact.

I learned that there are subtle ways to hide the truths and to speak lightly about implications.Writing is moderating the clown, the drunk, the street preacher... etc,to say what you often want to say after meditating on a hot shower.

And for the 140th time, i am self-healing myself into blogging.

I got fired but i don't want to talk about it. I want to talk about it but i am avoiding it like a smoky vietnamese bar.

Instead, i want to blog about my trip to the zoo, my Balboa Island excursion, my upcoming Seattle getaway.... i want to get away!!!

I've been ok, i think. I read three books already. I've been eating and sleeping like i am preparing for a physiological stress test. I kind-a welcome also the transference of pain from my ongoing root canal procedure.

This is my everything-looks-ok-face. I tell people i have prospects, that things are in the works.

I am staying positive. Hahahahahahaha...